First of the Month: May

Welcome to the fifth and perhaps most beautiful month of the Gregorian calendar. All those April showers that poured down will now turn your yards (or at least those north of the Mason and Dixon line) into a fluorescent field as May returns. Yes, those tulips with a Dutch-touch and bright red geraniums will be in full bloom. And lets not forget the smell of fresh cut grass, which is only good until the local government tells us that its not ozone friendly to drive. (1st: Global Warming is a joke, right? 2nd: That won’t happen for at least another six weeks.) May, though, isn’t just celebrated in Neil Diamond’s land of America. No, it‘s certainly lauded by a global audience. For example, May 12th marks International Nurses Day, which certainly gives credit to those on staff at fictional Seattle Grace hospital but not starring on "Grey’s Anatomy." And who could forget Cinco de Mayo Day on May 5th. (So on Monday go forth and drink a Sol with your favorite tostada yo-quiero combination. Whatever that means.) Let’s not forget about you bikers out there. We all know that May 19th concludes a weeklong festival called “Bike to Work Week.” Finally, what would May’s fresh cut greens be without the freshly mowed Kentucky blue grass at the Kentucky Derby? (Big Brown is a 3 to 1 favorite from the 20 spot) Well, it wouldn’t be much of anything, just like it wouldn’t be much without lots of playoffs in basketball and hockey, (Thanks again TNT for 40 games in 40 nights.) Virginia’s Gold Cup (drink up friends) and the start of Frenchmen running on clay at the French Open. May concludes on the 31st, five days before BBQ’s are in full-force as Memorial Day begins its legendary task of being the gateway to summer.

And how could anyone celebrate the fifth month without birthdays? Let’s first say a happy birthday to Mr. Tim McGraw, who turns 41 today, exactly one day before David Beckham’s left foot turns 33. (His right foot also turns 33.) On May 12th we get a double birthday celebration with former "American Pie" star Jason Biggs turning the big 30 and “Higher Love” author Steve Winwood turning 60. A few days later that "Shrek," ax-murderer marrying husband and Canadian Mike Myers turns 45 on May 25th, which is exactly six days before the end of the month birthdays. This list includes swearing Irishman Colin Farrell (32); “Million Dollar Baby” Clint Eastwood (78); “Broadway” Joe Namath (65); and Don Ameche, the man who played Shadow in "Homeward Bound," who would have turned 100 had he not died before the filming of "Homeward Bound II."

First of the Month: April

Jokes over everyone; April Fools Day is here and “America’s Pastime” is in full swing. Welcome to the fourth month of the Gregorian calendar: April, which for many is the center of our nation’s sports scene. Only when the Cherry Blossoms are in beautiful blooming form can we can see the Final Four, some man wearing the covenant green jacket and 50,000 of your best drinking friends saying, “Thank You God” to the sound of wood crashing on two thin rubber layers. (Come on, I am talking about baseball.) April is beyond sports though. It is when the jokers aren’t the only ones pulling the pranks and when green-loving hippies are given not just one holiday in Earth Day, but another in Arbor Day. For our Jewish crowd, Passover occurs this month and for our tax paying citizens, you have just 15 days until you know what is due to you know who. Finally -- but not the least important thing -- April is home to National Poetry Month and Patriots’ Day, a civic holiday in Massachusetts and for some reason a public school observance in Wisconsin. (I guess that’s what you get with a socialist state that claims to have founded the Republican Party).

And how could anyone celebrate the fourth month without birthdays? To start off the month, today, we celebrate the 70^th birthday of Ali McGraw. (Whom you say? Well, the woman from “Love Story.” What movie you ask? Go to your local blockbuster to see this 1970 hit.) Two days after McGraw, Axel Foley turned Nutty Professor turned Pluto Nash back to Nutty Professor turns 47 and that lovely star from “30 Rock,” Alec Baldwin turns 50. On April 13^th Kentucky fan Ashley Judd turns 40 exactly nine days after great debater Pete Rose turns 67. (Question of the Month: When, if ever, will Rose get into the Hall of Fame?) And to round out April birthdays, we tip a “beer for our horses” on April 20^th for Willie Nelson’s 75^th birthday.

First of the Month: March

Ahh yes, the craziness from last night’s extra day has ended and the real madness has begun as the basketballs are rolling to the sounds of Luther Vandross and people are in the streets celebrating Saint Patrick over a mug of Guinness and a batch of fresh Irish stew. (you know the kind with lots of taters)Let’s welcome the third month of Gregorian calendar, March. It is home to American Red Cross Month and of course March 15^th, the Ides of March, and the anniversary of the assassination of Julius Caesar by his bud Brutus. We celebrate International Women’s Day on March 8 and U.S. residents celebrate Women’s History Month. March begins on the same day of the week as November and February in common years and in leap years, such as 2008, it ends on the same day of the week as November. Outside of college basketball’s Road to the Final Four, the sports world is idle. But that’s OK because the madness starts today and will last for weeks.

Today little Opie, Ron Howard, turns 54, Zach Morris turned Dead Man on Campus turned NYPD star Mark-Paul Gosselaar turns 34 and Growing Pain dad Alan Thicke turns 61. Apple’s dad, Chris Martin, turns 31 tomorrow, which is seven days before Lil Bow Wow now Bow Wow turns the drinking age of 21. On March 12 smoked-out home run hitter Darryl Strawberry turns 46 and “Fire and Rain” poet James Taylor turns 60 with “Carolina On his Mind.” One week after Taylor’s birthday, John McClane badass Bruce Willis turns 53 as Ashton Kutcher hangs out with his kids. Two days later “War Games” alum Matthew Broderick turns 46 just four days before SI swimsuit goddess Danica Patrick revs into number 26 on the same day as Broderick’s wife, Sarah Jessica Parker, turns 43. To round out the month Mr. Green, Al Gore, turns 60 on the same day as Rhea Pearlman --Carla from Cheers – turns the same age.

A Day in the Life of a Puxy Pilgrammager

Welcome to "God's Country!" Not that you had any doubt. Here in the rolling hills of north central Pennsylvania is the key to one American's greatest treasures -- Punxsutawney Phil. (No wonder they call it the Keystone State.)

Yes, earlier this month, year and decade I stared the beloved rodent straight in the eye -- albeit 50 yards away -- and I learned first hand what it means to be "the seer of seers and prognosticator of prognosticators."

Puxy, as it became known by our clan of Washingtonians (meaning no one was from D.C), is located about a 90 minute drive northeast of Pittsburgh and is home to about 6000 residents. Those locals feed off of the excitement like a high school senior boy hoping Prom will bring the “sure thing.”

We arrived in town at about 11:30 the night before and went straight to the libation trough -- the local Eagles aerie 1231. There we mixed with some drug-induced Nascar-loving tourists from the Steele City, who were there "to ‘experience’ Phil first hand." We also chatted up the locals, such as Mark (we never got his last name) who loved the annual binge spree as an opportunity to show off his community.

After splurging and wrestling through $5 pitchers and Bon Jovi on the juke box, the clan split up. While some went straight to the knob, the rest of us, led by Mark, found a secret portal called ISDN or something with a weird letter password. (The next day an 80-year-old Eagles brother told me that it’s the place to be on Saturday afternoons, when all hell breaks loose and the town's local pool talent has some stiff games.) Here, on the second floor of a building that had been as old as the first Roosevelt Administration we found the strangest piece of paradise. Every other person was dressed up in furry gobbler gear and complemented with a $3 22-ounce Bud Light bottle. (Keep in mind, there were about 500 people crammed in there.)

As the bar closed, the hundreds of out-of-towners congregated to the one place that would serve them with justice: Mickey D's. It was there that we met three 60-something retirees, who too were making their first Puxy pilgrimage with hopes of seeking a glimpse of the furry friend. One man -- a former insurance salesman from the Greensburg area -- had been waiting his whole life to travel to Puxy on this infamous date. Being sober as an Andy Garcia in "When a Man Loves a Woman," the man was delighted to show off his American Legion pins and top hat as he was overmatched with the ambiance of drunken stuporship. (If the latter isn't a phrase your familiar with, add it to your vernacular. It’ll come in handy next time you drive through a college town on a Saturday night.)

The sauna like symptoms of America's favorite fast food joint would be the last time we would feel warmth on our bodies, which had been up for nearly 21 hours straight.

For the low price of $5 we were then set due uphill to majestic Gobblers' Knob, where our critter had been taking habitat for more than a century. People were fearful that the northeaster like symptoms would only get worse and that their buzzed up bodies would go into Kodiak arrest (a term I learned from an Alaskan years before), but they knew this was a time to become part of American History.

The site on Phil’s territory - nothing like Bill Murray showed us in the movie - was swarmed by thousands of his best friends. By the end of the day more than 20,000 people joined in on the fun on the knob while another 10,000 stayed in town, which is about 1.2 miles downhill “as the crow flies," or that’s what the locals told us.The knob had a huge sign that was as welcoming as a family's gathering when grandpa comes home from hip surgery. It also had a bonfire, which was flocked by freezing looking like chipmunks, who thought northern PA in early February would be more like Mardi Gras in New Orleans. Phil's decorated stage was filled up with the top-hatters dressed in tuxedos giving proclamations of their own and attempting to be Tim Allen on stage before he started doing those Santa Clause movies.

"Who wants the Patriots to win the Super Bowl," one of the guys said of the next day's big event. The response was an overwhelming, "boo." "How about those New York Giants," he asked. Giving a mix result of "boos and yeahs" people appeared more discontent with the Patriots perfect season than the choice of rooting for the eventual champs from the Meadowlands. "And what about those Steelers!" A roar of cheers followed by a round of air fist pumps came out. I imagine if anyone from Puxy had been sleeping at 5:30 a.m., not that anyone could with this kind of excitement, they were now awake with the goal of seeing Phil live via the local access network.

As dancers with groundhog hats continued to jump like a worker at a Munich bar in October, the area was soon covered by a 20-minute long light show; fireworks flew from inside the woods to over our heads. "Its simply beautiful," I heard a man say to his significant other as they kissed. My friend Todd gave me a look like 'don’t get any ideas buddy.'

It was almost 7 a.m. now and any beer buzz that was once very much in us was gone. With that said, seven of our clan had given up and staked ground in our lustrous motel. In about 10 minutes two others would leave too. For me and fellow Michigander, Todd, no cold or frozen teardrops could stop us from this. The “Inner Circle” then made way to the physical knob, which is a large tree trunk. They acknowledged one another much like Congress: They bowed to one another. I say this in pure sarcasm of course. A few of the men made their way to the stage by slapping hands with fans of the now de-clawed creature. This shining moment was as much for them as it was for Phil.

After a brief introduction, a man said he would need some assistance. All of sudden the words “Phil,” “Phil,” “Phil,” grew louder like a clapping routine from a John Hughes film.

Another man spoke up saying, “Hear Ye! Hear Ye! Hear Ye!
On Gobbler's Knob on this fabulous Groundhog Day, February 2nd, 2008, Punxsutawney Phil, the Seer of Seers, Prognosticator of all Prognosticators…”

About 30 seconds later, after the group of 15 grown men discussed what was before them, the man said, “"As I look around me, a bright sky I see, and a shadow beside me. Six more weeks of winter it will be!”

The crowd erupted in jubilation and that was it. The world’s most famous weather forecaster had spoken. Well, sort of.

How Bright is the Future for the Suns?

Well, unless you live under the proverbial "rock", you are aware the the Phoenix Suns have traded Shawn Marion and Marcus Banks to the Miami Heat for Shaquille O'Neal. As life time fan of the Suns, this trade has caused mixed emotions.

• First off, Shawn Marion has been vital to the Suns over the last 3 seasons. He is the teams best defender and has the legs to keep with with Steve Nash on the break. If you could mold a perfect player for Mike Dantoni's system, it would be Steve Nash, but he would be followed up in a close second by Marion.
  
• In some ways, the trade leaves fans with the feeling the Dantoni, and GM Steve Kerr for that matter, have given up on the Phoenix style of play. And it is that style of play that has made the suns the most fun team to watch over the last 3 seasons.
  
• The Suns have always needed a great center. Looking back over the last 20 years, it as always been the missing link. There has been no shortage of great guards (KJ, Jason Kidd, Thunder Dan Etc.) and forwards (Barkley). The modern era Suns have never had a true 5-man that could dominate.

Can Shaq be this missing link? Can he keep up with the offense and still have the needed impact on defense? By May Dantoni and Kerr will be the hero's of the organization, or be responsible for the 340 pound, 10 million per year burden that is pulling the team back to mediocrity

First of the Month

Wake up because it’s the shortest month of the Gregorian calendar. That's right, the month of February, when we see a rapid sale of red roses in mid-winter, celebrate our great African American heroes like Spike Lee (not to be mixed up with Spike TV) and acknowledge great American Presidents like William Henry Harrison and Martin Van Buren (A good looking fellow he was).

Oh yes, and the wonderful sight of dog piss in a pile of snow complemented by watching America's favorite rodent weather prognosticator, Punxsutawney Phil. (PHIL CONNORS! PHIL CONNORS!) How can anyone dislike February in 2008? We see Groundhog's Day on a Saturday (tomorrow) and it is a leap year. (I love that extra day. It makes you feel like you’re getting a free day of rent.)

But February has other annual celebrations too. There's that Super bowl on the third, the NBA All star festivities are slated for the third weekend and NASCAR's Daytona 500 will mark the first year Junior won’t drive under DEI. (Let’s take a moment to celebrate NASCAR names: Sterling Marlin, Ricky Rudd, Bobby Labonte, Terry Labonte, Dick Trickle and the list goes on.) Oh yeah, the annual Westminster Dog Show is also scheduled during February. This year Lent starts on the sixth, so you beer-guzzling, candy suckling and swearword-blasphemist (made up word), get ready for Fat Tuesday before you take a 40 day break. (Hey! Pearl Harbor hunk Josh Hartnett gave up woopie a few years back). (I think we should take a moment of silence for the family and friends (Mary Kate) of Heath Ledger.) Ledger will be remembered during the Oscars, which is scheduled for Feb. 24^th, a few weeks after the Grammy's.

And don't forget it's American Heart Month, so give yourself a break and cozy up to the fire to read a book on behalf of Library Lovers Month. I guess its time to get rid of all these parentheses and go out and celebrate the wonderful month of February.

And how could anyone celebrate the second month without birthdays? To start off the month, we celebrate the late Superfreak Rick James today, who would have been 60. James birthday is three days before “Torn” Australian Natalie Umbrulia turns 33 and former “Nutty” VP Dan Quale turns 61. On Feb. 8^th Chris Griffin voiceover Seth Green turns 34, which is one day before Simpson creator and Portland-native Matt Groening turns 54. Two day’s after Groening’s bday, we celebrate two of Americas most favorite celebrities: Michael Jordan (45) and Paris Hilton (27). And to round out this leap year, Mr. Antonio Sabato Jr. turns 36. I have no idea who he is, but he seemed more famous than my other choice:

Rep. Bart Stupak
from Michigan's
1st District, who

turns 56. (divided by four equals 14)

Lessons Learned in the First 22 days of 2008

So its been a few days... or weeks... or months since the last post. But its a new year and one of my many new years resolutions is to become a posting machine. But early on into 2008 I have had what many might consider a year's worth of lessons learned. I will highlight a few here:

1. It's winter. Which means its cold. Which means sometimes, it snows. Which means drivers in the Metropolitan DC area are likely to win the award for worlds worst winter drivers once again. Listen, I get it. We aren't in Colorodo, or Canada etc. But lets take a few steps towards the understanding that yes, even here in the mid-Atlantic it will snow a couple times a year. But 2-4 inches of snow does not, and should not necessitate the world coming to and end. I mean seriously, roads shut down, cars in the ditch, people driving 10 MPH with their 4-ways on. Pull it together; drive slower (but not that slow), realize that having 4x4 does not help you stop any faster and perhaps most importantly, take a look at the northern 1/3 of the US who gets plenty of 2-4 inch "storms" and manage to continue to function, its not rocket science.
   
2. When it comes to Craigslist, if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. Recently, I purchased a mountain bike off craigslist. I noticed the bike and thought to myself "wow, what a deal this is like a $1500 and they are only asking $300". I had some thoughts that it might be stolen, or "hot" if you are as familiar with street lingo as I am, but as I pulled up to a very nice condo in the 'burbs I thought that perhaps this lovely mother and son who sold me the bike really just didn't need the $$$. So I took it for a spin and happily forked over $300. Long story short, I got the bike home only to find all the serial numbers had been filed off.... But on the bright side, my street cred has been drastically increased now that I own stolen goods.
3. People who are not on fire should not be extinguished. Have you ever wondered to yourself, what would happen if I shot a fire extinguisher off at one of my friends? Yeah I know, haven't we all. But as the lucky recipient of a shot to the face with a fire extinguisher I can tell you it is a bad idea for a number of reasons: A. People do not like when you put out a non-existent fire in their house during a party. In fact, they seem to hate it. B. When you deploy said fire extinguisher, dust, smoke and powder will go everywhere. People will still be pissed, even if you were the recipient of said extinguishing. C. Fire extinguishers are fucking expensive, like $140 dollars. All that said as the person would had to shower to rid himself of said extinguishing, as opposed to the person who had to fork over $140 dollars, it was totally worth it.